Reflections on the passing of time
I was sitting around thinking the other day, something I tend to do on occasion; and in the midst of all that thinking, an idea just poppedpoofinto my mind; and that idea was how you know you are getting old when certain things occur. For example, you know you are getting old when:
1. You receive a compliment that is either preceded or followed by a qualifier:
a. You’re in great shape for your age.
b. For your age, you’re in really good shape.
c. I hope I look as good as you when I’m your age.
d. When I’m your age, I hope I have half as much energy as you.
2. Waiters, waitresses, store clerks, and other total strangers call you “Sweetie.”
3. Men in their late 30′s and early 40′s ask, “How’re you today, young lady?” (Or “young man,” as the case may be)
4. The skin on your upper arms reminds you of a Bloodhound’s face.
5. The skin on your thighs reminds you of Bloodhound’s face.
6. Your eyebrows begin to disappear.
7. If you’re a woman, you no longer have to shave under your arms but find your legs need shaving twice a day.
8. If you’re a man, you have to keep trimming these black, wiry hairs not only from your nostrils but also your ears.
9. If you’re a woman, you notice this really stiff updo sprouting from your chin, and although you shave it off, it keeps growing back.
10. If you’re a man, your chest updo becomes virtually nonexistent.
11. You cannot read the fine print, even though you’re wearing bifocals.
12. You clean things solely by touch because you cannot see what you’re doing, even though you’re wearing bifocals.
13. You wake up in the morning and realize everything hurts.
14. You go to bed at night and realize everything still hurts.
15. You look in the mirror and see your mother or father or maybe crazy Uncle Harry or eccentric Aunt Fran staring back at you.
16. You have to write down the number of the lane where you parked your car at the mall or else you’ll never find it again.
17. You have to think for a while when someone asks your spouse’s age, the date of your wedding anniversary, or your children’s birthdays.
18. You can’t remember your neighbor’s first name, let alone his or her last name.
19. You realize your kids are no longer kids.
20. You have almost as many crowns in your mouth as real teeth, that is, if you’re lucky enough to still possess any real teeth.
21. Your toenails start getting thick; and, maybe, your little toenail becomes merely a nub or else disappears entirely.
22. You can see your scalp in places where you used to see hair.
23. At night, you put the cat in the refrigerator and the milk outside on the doorstep
24. When you read this list, you recognize yourself in at least half the items.
That said, I think I’ll go think some more and see what other profound observations on life will just suddenly pop into my mind; but don’t worry, if anything comes to me, I’ll be sure to let you know.
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Tags: Bloodhound, Eccentric Aunt, Hairs